“I am not sad, he would repeat to himself over and over, I am not sad. As if he might one day convince himself. Or fool himself. Or convince others — The only thing worse than being sad is for others to know that you are sad. I am not sad. I am not sad. Because his life had unlimited potential for happiness, insofar as it was an empty white room. He would fall asleep with his heart at the foot of his bed, like some domesticated animal that was no part of him at all. And each morning he would wake with it again in the cupboard of his rib cage, having become a little heavier, a little weaker, but still pumping. And by midafternoon he was again overcome with the desire to be somewhere else, someone else, someone else somewhere else. I am not sad.”—Everything is Illuminated Jonathan Safran Foer
“Do you think I’m wonderful? she asked him one day as they leaned against the trunk of a petrified maple. No, he said. Why? Because so many girls are wonderful. I imagine hundreds of men have called their loves wonderful today, and it’s only noon. You couldn’t be something that hundreds of others are.”—Everything is Illuminated Jonathan Safran Foer
I went to santana row today with nicole kenzie ansh and tsukii which was fuuuuun because we went to urban and I bought a black dress and a radiohead tshirt that says “you used to be alright what happened?” and 15 step is my second favorite radiohead song, no surprises being the first. We had burgers which took forever because we ate slow and oscar, our waiter, was having problems splitting the cost or whatever. Ansh and tsukii did a MASH on me and so apparently I’m going to be a waitress and have lots of cats. We walked around the mall/the row for a bit after the burgers and today wasn’t half bad at all.
I just got back from Borders. My dad had his book group today so my mom and I went and sat in the cafe for a few hours. I looked through Fiction first and searched for Wodehouse but I couldn’t find anything. I grabbed Everything is Illuminated and then went upstairs to where the comics are. Everything there was crappy. It was either manga which I stopped reading when I was 11 or adaptations of TV shows like Buffy or Doctor Who which I both like but even though the creators always say the comic books are ways to “expand their universe” they really just want to milk all the money they can out of the whole franchise. But in the midst of all the crap I managed to find Ghost World! I was really excited because I’ve seen the movie with Nicole and I was actually just talking about it with my mom and Tsukii so it was one of those nice coincidences.
I read the whole thing in about an hour and a half, but I didn’t buy it. It just made me feel depressed about growing up. I really wanted to buy it and now I kind of wish I did. I related to it too much. I’m afraid that my friendships will end up falling apart the way Enid and Rebecca fall apart and that I’ll have trouble transitioning into ‘adult’ life. At one point Rebecca says that she wishes things could be they way they were in high school. I don’t want to be like that.
I ended up getting Everything is Illuminated instead but I think I’ll go back next week and return it so I can buy Ghost World. Nothing I’ve read lately has affected me as much as that dumb comic book has…
I went to Target twice today. Once with Tsukii to buy Kes a going away present. We got him “Malice N Wonderland” and a card where we wrote things about not getting caught in a drive-by shooting. Then the second time with Hitomi, Steff and Clarissa to buy Nutella and bread. We went to Alanna’s house and everyone had Nutella sandwiches. Everyone (eg. Nicole) always raves about how delicious Nutella is so I made myself a sandwich.
It was gross. I’m never eating Nutella again…….and this is proof that the bandwagon sucks.
I watched House today and I cried during the finale. Whenever I cry during movies and shows I always think of how in The Catcher in the Rye Holden says, “You take somebody that cries their goddam eyes out over phony stuff in the movies, and nine times out of ten they’re mean bastards at heart.”
And so I felt a little pathetic about crying during House. Maybe I am a mean bastard. When I was little I consistently cried every time I watched The Lion King, just that one scene after the stampede when Simba goes to his dad’s body. I cried when Leonardo DiCaprio died in Titanic, but only the first time I ever saw it. I tear up during Mad Men sometimes. I was practically sobbing all the way through The Road.
I wonder if what Salinger wrote is true. I guess it is fake to get emotional about Jack drowning at the end of Titanic because everyone knows that it’s just Leonardo DiCaprio holding a piece of wood pretending to be cold and sad and in love. Afterwards he gets to dry himself off, receives a million dollars, and goes on a date with a supermodel. Nothing to cry about there.
I guess I’m just the kind of tool that Hollywood caters too…I get too attached to fictional characters, cry about them, then write about it in my blog.
I guess it’s a good thing I’m going to Florida for a couple days, getting out of Cupertino is always refreshing!
My dad keeps on telling me to get off the computer
WHICH I WOULD BUT
he deleted my Limewire folder so I have to transfer 3500 songs from my ipod to my itunes library which has basically taken all morning
I just got my laptop back and I missed it
I haven’t updated my ipod in a month and a half so I’ve got to a month and a half’s worth of music to download
nobody is willing to drive me anywhere so whatever, I have nothing better to do since I’m stuck at home
my mom won’t let me go anywhere until I pack my bags for Florida, which is boring and secondary to listening to new music/catching up on episodes of House so I’ll probably end up saving that for last so I’ll probably just spend all day. right. here.
Going to Nicoles house and signing yearbooks with people and eating peanut butter sandwiches and writing notes to Nicole with Kenzie and swimming is the best way to forget about how you bombed your math final
Well, finals are over. I went swimming for the first time all year today. Today was the best start of summer ever. It feels so so good to be free. I’m going to go watch TV now because I haven’t watched anything in about two weeks and then I’ll eat more peanut butter and sleep at 9 and wake up at 6 to go to school for about 4 hours. After that, I’m done.
“Where does discontent start? You are warm enough, but you shiver. You are fed, yet hunger gnaws you. You have been loved, but your yearning wanders in new fields. And to prod all these there’s time, the Bastard Time.”—John Steinbeck
“I guess I should tell you about the first time I had my period. My daddy was driving me back from summer camp, and I turned to him and said, “Daddy, I think I’m sloughing!” And he said, “That’s nice hunny.” And I realized, that he had like, *no idea*, what sloughing meant! So I explained to…
There was an article in the NY Times Sunday Magazine about ME!
And my friends and peers and everyone else born “between 1982 and 2002”. I really liked this issue of the Sunday Magazine for several reasons. Namely, the interview with John Waters, the semantics of COOL, the article about music videos, and well, the M.I.A. profile.
But I really liked one about me. I felt a little validated for being part of a Generation. We’re not the Beats, Baby Boomers, or Gen X, but we’re the ones with “ubiquitous iPods, flip-flops and inability to take criticism”. The plugged in, wired up, overstoked Generation Me.
The article was mostly about resilience and overconfidence when it came to employment but I thought that it applied to basically everything about us. I related to a lot of it. I’m narcissistic (I write in this blog about myself), I’m plugged in (Right now I’m on my laptop, listening to my iTunes, chatting, and texting), and I try not to take the blame when shit happens (It’s the caffeine, the nicotine, the miligrams of tar/ It’s my habitat, it needs to be cleaned, it’s my car).
So yeah, my bulked up ego really, really enjoyed reading that.
When ‘Back To Black’ first came out my dad bought it but then after all the gossip mags started ragging on how she was an alcoholic, he told my mom to return it. He didn’t want to be contributing to her alcoholism. But I managed to convince my mom to keep it, she agreed because she didn’t feel like going to Target.
This morning on TV they were showing footage of V-Fest and she was performing. It’s a little scary to watch, I was afraid she would fall over or collapse at any moment. She shakes and wobbles and runs her hands awkwardly through her hair. She’s so strange and different that it’s almost like she’s playing a part, that she can’t actually be that way. But I think she really is, and I like her all the more for it.
I don’t care anymore. This is as detached as it gets for me. Maybe my priorities are out of line, but I feel like none of this pressure is getting to me anymore. My life isn’t going to be ruined because of this and I’m going to be fine.
an excerpt from an email i wrote to tsukii yesterday
On Tuesday my mom said that my grades are going to ruin my life. Then on the same day Mr. Jennings talked to us about how grades don’t reflect the person we will be and who we are. He says, sure they’re related to the school you go to but otherwise your grades have nothing to do with YOU. I agree with Mr. Jennings but at the same time I really really wish I wasn’t going to get crappy grade in math and that I had all A’s and that I was going to go to a good school and be successful. But then on the other hand there’s this Jim Carrey quote I really like that’s like, “I think everybody should get rich and famous and do everything they ever dreamed of so they can see that it’s not the answer.” I always think about this. That being happy is important but at the same time I’ve never been rich or famous or had my dreams come true and I always think that things would be better if they were and while I love Jim Carrey I don’t trust him completely.
I bought my first issue of i-D at Barnes & Noble on Saturday because they didn’t have any copies of Nylon. It was really expensive but I love it. Reading this, plus Tavi’s blog, and looking through The Sartorialist is the reason why I decided to start a new project this summer with Nicole. I’m so excited. I hope it works out and that we pull through. One of my dreams is to work for a magazine like i-D or Nylon which is far-fetched but probably easier to accomplish than being an astronaut, haha. But I really do like design and fashion and music and movies and books and culture and writing. I should post all my dreams on here sometime. There’s so many though! And I guess I’m fulfilling one by starting this thing with Nicole. I’m so excited for summer!!! I hope it all works out.
This Tumblr has gotten to the point where it is way too self-serving for me to handle. I’ve thought about deleting it and doing more constructive things with my time so often lately but something always comes up. I think I just spend too much time complaining on here and it’s unhealthy to bitch and flounder in self-pity so much. So, I’m going to stop bitching and floundering and posting screen-caps of scenes from Sofia Coppola films. At least on here. I think that writing about how shitty I feel doesn’t make me feel any less shitty when I know there’s an audience. It’s not a pure reflection of my life or who I am. So yeah, I have things to do, and other things to come, and I don’t really intend on using this to gripe about my life anymore.
Of Love's uneven remainders, our lives are fractions of a whole
but if the world could remain within a frame like a painting on a wall then I think we would see the beauty then we would stand staring in awe at our still lives posed like a bowl of oranges, like a story told by the fault lines and the soil.
bought tickets for warped tour hahahhaha I remember when I used to recognize all the bands that were playing-not anymore. But whatever I’ve always wanted to go and it’s more the experience not so much to see all the alt bands I used to like. I am actually really excited though!!
but then I watched The Hills and witnessed Kelly Cutrone in action. I love everything she says:
"You know where nice people end up? In welfare."
"I never thought of myself as a feminist because I believe in equality."
"Your dreams are ballbusters; they’re not the yellow brick road, and you have to really understand, most of our life we’re following this carrot to find out who we’re not. Allow yourself the chance to make a lot of mistakes. And after you do, pick yourself up and keep on trying, ‘cause if I quit every time I was bad at something, I probably wouldn’t have made it through high school, so keep going."
"I say that half your life is spent trying to get out of a small town and the other half trying to get back to one."