Today was the second time that I’ve gone into a bathroom at school and seen “All in all, you’re just another brick in the wall” written on the stall. This time there was an anarchy sign too. I guess the lyrics were appropriate since the song is about rigid schooling and MV is that but the anarchy sign was pushing it… Too self-righteous and dumb. But I guess it’s better than the people who write those poems about pot on the stall doors.
I really wanted to go with my mom to Borders since my dads having his book group tongiht but I have too much work. but that’s okay! because I have a plan for life. Kind of. I explained part of it to Nicole at lunch. I hope I stay this focused for awhile… I probably won’t
“Anything outside yourself, this you can see and apply your logic to it. But it’s a human trait that when we encounter personal problems, these things most deeply personal are the most difficult to bring out for our logic to scan. We tend to flounder around, blaming everything but the actual, deep-seated thing that’s really chewing on us.”—Jessica, Dune by Frank Herbert
aaaand coffin rehersal i know a psychic who reads her own palms and the findings are personal she keeps her fists shut tight and she sleeps on her side, well maybe she knows something i don’t know
but i am still alive and loving wide eyed in my time not a mummy shrinking in its cloths your cat clawed out my eyes while i’s distracted by your smile and now my sockets sit like empty catcher’s mitts waiting and you ask me if there’s anybody else that i’m dating
anna, anna, anna i’m patient but your painted pony is fading walks like a snakeskin in high grass and out to thrashing like a pet bird caught in a jet stream, that’s me you count them blessings cause your net worth oughta be less cream in your best dreams
cause I’m an inDesign grandmasterrrr (relatively) and so me n cynthia doodled in our notebooks and I wrote the lyrics to telephone on my notebook but we couldn’t remember what gaga says during the first “eh eh eh eh eh”. i gave up and drew losers with gauges and beards instead.
We took a “career interest profiler” today in 7th. Here are my strengths: investigative (15), artistic (18) and social (9).
Here are career paths they suggested: sociologist, actor, psychologist, curator, historian, reporter, anthropologist, book editor, film editor, copy writer, psychiatrist, music director, musician, political scientist and teacher (of archaeology, literature, anthropology, cultural studies, biology, history, psychology, sociology, art, drama, or music).
I had two nightmares last night. I don’t remember what the first one was but I was reading ‘The Spy Who Came in from the Cold’ before I fell asleep so maybe it was related? I woke up twice in the middle of the night, scared. The second nightmare was about ghosts and haunted houses and airplanes (maybe I’ve been watching too much Lost).
just got back from dinner with Uncle Earl, mom & dad. My mom and dad got into an argument on whether news really mattered and etc and of course my mom, who considers the New York Times to be the word of God, kept on talking about how her entire perspective and view of the world is based on things she has read in the Times. Then we talked about Grigori Perelman and my dad explained loosely what the Poincaré conjecture is. I like math. I’m just bad at it. But it’s so interestinggg. Like fractals and chaos theory. But my math class…not so much.
"The Wire does this [attain the dimensions of tragedy] by painting with brighter colors on a wider canvas and by leavening its pain with humor. The brilliant writing and bravura cast also make viewers root for dozens of rich characters, including several completely despicable ones.” -Slate Magazine
I’m starting season one tonight. It’s supposed to be the greatest show ever so we’ll see. I miss Mad Men so I really need some good, melodramatic TV in my life. Plus this way I’ll fulfill even more stuff white people like.
I never thought I would come of age, let alone on a moldy page
I feel inadequate and tired and stupid. I wish I chose to do middle college. I don’t have anything to look forward too anymore, just 3 more months of sophomore year and 2 more years of school and about 60 more years of life. I don’t like being 16. I guess it’s only been a week and I’ve been so busy with my catch-up work that I haven’t even had time to enjoy it. I just want to sleep and not worry anymore.
I’ve had to use my inhaler a lot lately. I guess I’m overly stressed? I’m still skeptical of what the doctor said. But I keep on forgetting to bring it to school so I just get all wheezy and short of breath in class which is annoying.
Someone’s playing piano at our neighbor’s house. The wife is a teacher and they just finished doing scales and now they’re playing this really pretty song but they keep on stopping and restarting at the same point. It’s nice though, just to listen to someone playing the piano and it’s so breezy and sunny today. My mom is teaching her painting class right now. They’re all in the backyard doing a still life of a white bowl of eggs because she wanted them to “learn how to paint white”.
Because they’re here I had to turn of the TV even though Pretty in Pink was on and it was the scene where Duckie is doing homework at Andie’s and she leaves to get him a drink and he says to himself, “I love this woman. I love this woman and I have to tell her. And if she laughs, she laughs. And if she doesn’t love me, she doesn’t love me. But if I don’t find out…” Then he starts singing and she hears him from downstairs and laughs. It’s my favorite scene. Jon Cryer is so good in this movie. I’ve never seen the end because I know what happens and I don’t like Andrew McCarthy.
Anyway, today was nice, I feel like Duckie right now, and I’m going to go write outside with the kids painting.
“I wondered if that was how forgiveness budded, not with the fanfare of epiphany, but with pain gathering its things, packing up, and slipping away unannounced in the middle of the night.”—The Kite Runner
I finished reading The Kite Runner today. I cried when he was reading the letter from Hassan and at the end when Amir was flying the kite with Sohrab. It’s so beautiful but so painful to read. It reminded me of The Road in that way, it was amazing but there was so much suffering that despite however powerful or beautiful it was I could never read it again. It’s the best book I’ve ever read for school and definitely a new favorite of mine. It makes me appreciate how much I have and how lucky I am, etc. I’m going to finish all my depressing books now; I’m on a roll. Now onto Angela’s Ashes!
we had chicago style pizza at patzis to celebrate my sweet sixteenth
i opened the envelopes from my parents. It was a cheesy card with a built in message about how I’m a shining star blah blah blah and there were 3 gift cards to macy’s & etc. I got a little sad because I felt like Ansh was right about them not really knowing me. I liked my kite and cupcakes and tshirt a lot more than the $150 worth of plastic jammed in my wallet.
my grandma gave me a jewelry box and a gold bracelet with little heart charms and $$, my dad gave me an anthology of PG Wodehouse novels/short stories, my dadijan and dadajan sent a card, clarissa made me cupcakes with cats on them, ansh gave me a john wayne tshirt that says “old guys rule” and itunes giftcard, yoyo and boson made me a rap…and other things, and nick gave me a kite :) I’m content and my parents are taking me to Patzis for pizza+ extra celebrations (and presents).
theres an unwrapped birthday present in my dads office
should I look should I look should I look? It’s not meowing so it’s not a cat. I hope I get a cat. There’s temptation everywhere. My grandma placed a sealed envelope marked “do not open until your birthday!” on my desk. $$$$$$
my mom and grandma are making a family tree and I can’t do work because I have to spend time with my grandma but I have all this math and this sucks and I feel like a bad person for not wanting to go to the Philippines and visit all 24 of my moms cousins and all of their children and etc but I am so tired and I don’t want to go back to school and I still have this damn cough
and I’m 16 on tuesday yaaaaaay aging is so much fun PSYCH
“I’m always torn between wanting to tell my story to everyone, to let them know exactly what is in my head or keeping it to myself. The problem is being outwardly unhappy and consistently pushing people away, no matter if they say they’re always there to listen.
On the other hand, to pretend that everything is fine is to poison yourself from the inside out; it is to ignore who you are and what is in your mind and lose yourself. So which is better? To have friends that think you are melodramatic, seeking attention, and pessimistic or to drown in your own mind? I honestly don’t know.”
I don’t hate you half as much as I used to. Actually, I appreciate you a lot more now. Sorry for being such a bitch about the moody weather, lack of interesting things to do, and the very large self righteous population of dumbasses. And I miss you. But this does not mean that I am giving up on New York. There’s just some things I am homesick for.
I miss all of the self righteous dumbasses I love. Nicole, Tsukii, Ansh, Davene, everyone at school, my parents.
I miss being one of the few hipsters in town. There’s plaid everywhere. Little kids in central park had cuffed jeans. I was in French Connection and they were playing Animal Collective and I wasn’t the only person who recognized them.
I kind of hate the hipsters here. They’re all old. We were eating at Joe’s in the village and some guys with typical scruffy beards and tshirts passed by and remarked, “There’s so many damn teenagers, Hannah Montana must be in there.”
I miss the air. I am coughing every few seconds. I’m pathetic and my lungs are frail but I just cannot deal with the smokers everywhere. The smog, the cigarettes, it’s all bad.
That’s about it. I like how when you tell people you’re from California they get really excited. I met this girl at the conference who was from DC and she really liked us for that. We told her and she was all, ”Siiiiiiick!”
I never realized how boring the rest of the country is. I don’t even think about some of these states. Indiana, Nebraska, Alabama. Well sometimes I think about Alabama but it’s all to do with leftover bitter resentment… Coincidentally there were a ton of kids from Austin at the conference.
Emily and I were at a session and at the end the guy put his contact info and it took us a good minute to figure out what DE was.
So I appreciate you for being well known and universally liked by those who don’t really know you California. Because apart from these things that I miss, this city alone is 100x better.
new york is amazing. I should sleep the 3 hour time difference is keepin me up. And I slept during the entire flight!! But I love it here. We were all hanging around the subway while everyone was getting their passes and all these crowds of people would periodically push past us and all I can think is, I would only see you in a city like this.
ahhhhhh i had a milkshake and fries for dinner, I’m so awake but we have to get up at 4 (california time) tomorrow. GOOD NIGHT it’s 1 in NY and I’ve been here for 5 hours and I love it, jetlag or not.
spent part of the day with ansh tsukii and nicole :) we met at Vivi’s, had fries, walked along the tracks to the creek and the tunnel. It was typical ansh ski me adventure, and I liked having nicole along too because she kept saying things like, “this feels so rebellious” ha