watching the olympics. I feel like a bad person if I change the channel. Like I’m not appreciating all of the athletes enough and all of their work and talent. I tried watching House but I all I could think about were the bobsledders plus now I’m really caught up in it baaaaaah i hate how I create weird lame moral obligations for myself -_-
I feel that life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. That’s the two categories. The horrible are like, I don’t know, terminal cases, you know, and blind people, crippled. I don’t know how they get through life. It’s amazing to me. And the miserable is everyone else. So you should be thankful that you’re miserable, because that’s very lucky, to be miserable.
Alma:Nobody's going to stop me from my plan. Nobody, nothing. Because I want to be proper!
Alma:Yes, proper! In another year I'll have enough money saved. Then I'm going to go back to my home town in Oregon, and I'm going to build a house for my mother and myself, and join the country club and take up golf. Then I'll meet the proper man with the proper position, to make a proper wife, and can run a proper home and raise proper children. And I'll be happy because when you're proper you're safe!
Prew:You've got guts, honey. I hope you can pull that off.
Alma:I do mean it when I say I need you. 'Cause I'm lonely. You think I'm lying, don't you?
was on TCM this morning! I should have been catching up on Lost but I was in the mood for Frank Sinatra so I watched it instead. It just ended, with Frank Sinatra reading the citations to his girlfriend then throwing down the book with a strong, “Hell! Hell!”
Frank Sinatra may be my second favorite actor, simply for this movie and Guys and Dolls.
it’s so warm and quiet. Reminds me of being a kid and sitting in the grass just me and the sun and nobody and nothing. It’s like being an instrument and the sun rays are clogging your keys and tickling your bones, even if you wanted to you couldn’t THINK. You can only be a girl sitting underneath the lime leaves of a tree while the sunshine flows around you like ocean waves.
lit today was like a coma, just sitting on hot concrete writing about our observations. It wasn’t a very good exercise in observation, mostly I just wrote about how I felt like taking a nap and I wrote Boson a letter which I just reread and I sound stoned but it was sooooo relaxing and sunny and quiet. (hopefully how physio will be next year hehe).
I actually thought of something to write about today during spanish but no I’ve forgotten. the quality and quantity of my tumblr has fallen as of late…which isn’t saying much
yesss movie of the day is raiders of the lost ark. I used to want to be an archaeologist when I was a kid. Until I learned that it was more like teaching at universities rather than being more like….indiana jones. life is so disappointing.
no time for tumblr anymore which is sad sad sad I haven’t blogged at all lately. I did yesterday but that was a SRJ tribute not really a thing. about. me. so busy with choosing my classes for next year, plus all my math work, plus I have my essay, plus I have my book review, plus I have to edit my VIDEO PROJECT THAT WAS ERASED TWICE FROM THE EXTERNAL HARD DRIVE
no stress no stress! nawwwwwwt k i’m stressed and gonna go study like a manic bye bye bye
my dad was listening to stevie ray vaughan today so I took our little compilation that has all his cds and a booklet all about his life and all these testimonies written by his friends and family and peers. They’re all so beautiful and sad and loving. It’s really tragic.
"The world misses his music but I just miss my brother." -Jimmie Vaughan
You are a vacuous soldier of the thrift store gestapo. You adhere to a set of standards and tastes that appear to be determined by an unseen panel of hipster judges-BULLSHIT-giving your thumbs up and thumbs down to incoming and outgoing trends and styles of music and art. Go analog baby, you’re so post-modern. You’re diving face forward into an antiquated past, it’s disgusting! It’s offensive! Don’t stick your nose up at me!
You spend your time sitting in circles with your friends, pontificating to each other, forever competing for that one moment of self aggrandizing glory in which you hog the intellectual spotlight, holding dominion over the entire SHALLOW….POINTLESS…conversation. Oh we’re not worthy.
When you walk by a group of quote-unquote normal people you chuckle to yourself, patting yourself on the back as you scoff. It’s the same superority complex shared by the high school jocks who made your life a living hell, makes you a slave to the competitive capitalist dogma you spend every moment of your waking life BITCHING about!
One of our neighbors came over to drop off some puzzles she swiped from the Senior Center so my mom asked her to come in and have a cuppa tea and a slicea pound cake. She was old. This is how old she is:
"My son was the class president of the very first graduating class at your school!"
And this is how settled in life she is:
"I have been living in the same house since 1967."
When she said that my mom and her friend both smiled and said, “Good for you!”
I just felt sick.
That woman has been living in this town for over 40 years. I can’t even stand California let alone living in this same stupid town for 40 years.
I AM SO TIRED AND BORED SO I WILL TALK ABOUT MY DAY IN TWO PARTS.
This morning I went to Whole Foods, read a little of the book that our neighbors lent us, texted Tsukii, called Ansh, then decided to just get food because they’re both lazy droid douchers. And so I ate my mac n cheese by myself in front of Whole Foods while at the table behind me an Asian woman and her daughter chattered over their meal and across from me an mother tried to coerce her two sons into eating their vegetables and crossing the street was a group of guys wearing black frame glasses and clever tshirts and I felt so, so lame. Eventually we all met up and went to subway. And luckily I was so hungry that while I was eating (by myself) I was completely preoccupied with my food for realz and not just as a way to not seem awkward. Which I would totally do if necessary.
“Why didn’t evolution make a giraffe good at carpentry so it could build a ladder?”
"They keep saying that sea levels are rising an all this. It’s nowt to do with the icebergs melting, it’s because there’s too many fish in it. Get rid of some of the fish and the water will drop. Simple. Basic science."
"I was walking past a sex shop an’ that. One, it was open early which I never understood, it was about eight o’clock in the morning. Who needs butt plugs then?"
"The reason there are so many gyms in London is because the amount of gay people who are here now."
“Perhaps if we saw what was ahead of us, and glimpsed the follies, and misfortunes that would befall us later on, we would all stay in our mother’s wombs, and then there would be nobody in the world but a great number of very fat, very irritated women.”—Lemony Snicket
i was going to do all my homework/studying but buffy is on mtv and so now I just spent 10 minutes searching through the dvd case for seasons 1-3 dvds soooo now I probably won’t get anything done today! cooool
& listening to the xx with dad and mom while they talk about turbotax. Traveling from norcal to socal is taxing and they’re like two separate countries, I like it better down there. I loooooved just hanging out with Jaden and Alyssa but I swear I’ve never watched so much spongebob in my life. Disneyland was fun :) I’d forgotten basically everything about pirates and the haunted mansion. I made jaden go on star tours with me, he got scared, but he drove the car at autopia which freaked me out and he kept on giggling so it was evened out.
Today I went with them to drop them off at school, picked up alyssa and we watched Up together with Kobe and Destiny napping on the couch and then Jaden came home and we watched more spongebob and played with alyssas dolls and I taught them how to play chopsticks. I wish we lived near them! alyssa yelled I LOVE YOU to us as we were leaving and walking into the airport and jaden waved the toy helicopter we bought him I miss them already.
To be honest having this weird amnesiac reaction to the accident is kind of cool. To a an extent (a very very small shallow extent) I feel like I’m in some sort of thriller-Bruce Willis movie and that I will be traumatized for the rest of my life until I re-enact the experience and my memory will return in a single terrifying instant filled with montages and grainy footage.
Amnesia is always interesting, I think. I don’t have any experience with it other than this small segment of time from yesterday that I don’t remember and my general forgetfulness. It’s a common plot device in movies and comic books. I haven’t read many novels that have predominant amnesiac characters apart from the Jason Bourne series (which could also be counted as a movie) and in One Hundred Years of Solitude there are many debilitating characters who lose their memory, among other things.
I did read an Agatha Christie novel in which the narrator, as a child, had witnessed her stepmother’s murder but had forgotten all about it until she ended moving into her childhood home and had reoccurring nightmares/feelings of deja vu about the incident. What’s happened to me isn’t that severe at all and only really accounts for a few minutes, but the two cases are similar in the fact that they were brought on by some sort of traumatic event. Mine is obviously like picking daisies compared to witnessing a murder, or for that matter compared to most cases of ptsd/etc.
Part of the reason I think this is so cool is because of all the movies that Hollywood churns out concerning amnesiacs. 50 First Dates, The Bourne Trilogy, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Anastasia.
Out of all the many psychological conditions it’s one of the most popular ones in media. Apart from depression…and psychopathy. Is this because of a general discontent with memory on people’s parts? People go to the movies to live their fantasies, so do we all to some extent want to forget? I use the movies as an escape so in a way it’s like a self-induced temporary amnesia.
Or maybe we just want to be entertained and amnesia is just another plot device, a deus ex machina.
I mean it’s cool but still it’s so frustrating. I wonder if this means I’m weak. Like my mind wasn’t able to handle the situation and so just took me out of the picture. I feel like if I was conscious during what happened then I could have done something and this whole thing could have been avoided. Am I unable to stay in control? Am I mentally unprepared for an actual trauma? What if something legitimately bad occurred, like if someone had been walking around there, they probably would have died because I wasn’t lucid. That scares the shit out of me.
The reason this post is so long is that I’ve been reading a lot of Justin Wolfe’s blog posts and they’re about 1500 words each but I like his train of thought and the way he analyzes things. This post is obviously sub sub sub par compared to his but I needed to write about my shock and get that stress off my chest and I’m in a better mood about what happened now so having a pointless ramble was therapeutic. Which is really why I have this tumblr in the first place, for me. I mean I don’t mind people reading it and whatever they can take what they want or take nothing at all from it but I don’t really care about that. It’s an outlet and provides creative constraints that journaling doesn’t.
I probably won’t write another long post like this for awhile.
I don’t remember anything that happened and when my mom was describing it to my dad it was so strange because I wonder if I was even lucid at the time or if I just am unable to remember. This has never happened to me before and I’m so tired from crying and I feel like shit but I don’t really want to talk about it. This is all I’ll write.
I hated it. I hated all that happened, my inability to apologize and handle situations. It got so out of hand and complicated and I wish I didn’t do that now. I still feel guilty.
But sitting and talking with Ansh and Kevin was fun. I told Tsukii a lot a lot a lot. I’m proud of that because I never really tell anyone anything. Just them I guess. Mostly.
We sat in the back of the school in the dark while the basketball game went on. Looked for the big dipper, ordered pizza, and Ansh explained lights as particles/waves and things about physics. Then later we sat upstairs in the D building eating the pizza until finally it was 9 and Tsukii and I sat in the bus circle waiting for my mom.
Mostly we just laughed at the women dancing to the Wonder Girls but we talked about what we want to do after high school (we both don’t know), if we’ll still be friends after high school (tsukii says no, i’m not sure) and etc
I’m so excited for monday to go see jaden and alyssa :) :) :) Everytime I think about it I smile and get really happy. I miss them so much, I remember on the last day of our trip last year Jaden wanted me to drop him off at school and so I went with him in the morning and he held my hand and hugged me goodbye and then went to go to class with the other first graders…leaving me holding his USC baseball cap that he always wears.
I will bring him my texas baseball cap on monday. Uncle Earl will probably burn it hahahah yeeeeeeeee I’m so excited!!
"Whenever I find myself growing grim about the mouth; whenever it is a damp, drizzly November in my soul; whenever I find myself involuntarily pausing before coffin warehouses, and bringing up the rear of every funeral I meet; and especially whenever my hypos get such an upper hand of me, that it requires a strong moral principle to prevent me from deliberately stepping into the street, and methodically knocking people’s hats off—then, I account it high time to get to sea as soon as I can."
I want to go to sea. I watched Master and Commander yesterday and fell asleep to the waves breaking and the bell tolling. I downloaded the soundtrack and now I’m listening to it while studying and wishing I wasn’t here worrying about my classes and people and everything.
They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.
But they were fucked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another's throats.
Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don't have any kids yourself.
The first two lines of that Philip Larkin poem pop up in my head and repeat over and over and then I think about that scene in Skins where Effy and Pandora paraphrase the lines and then about the NY mag article where I first heard about the poem and I don’t even know where I’m going with this but I’m really pissed about the phone call and then the other conversation now so nevermind..
naveen said she wants to maybe to middle college too! but i think that nicole’s parents won’t let her. I haven’t asked my mom yet… I never know if she’ll be supportive or tell me to suck it up. she did say that if I really wanted to I could change schools. well, I really want to.